Tapping Talents while rearing Children

We need to tap different people for their different talent sets which I am sure they will be possessing instead of measuring all of them with the same yard-stick that we r comfortable using because we have gotten used to it. We can'tallow a chef to operate on a patient,nor would we like a bridge to be designed by a surgeon instead of a structural engineer. Each of us has a role to play and let us try to play our role efficaciously rather than being poor xerox copies of others.

Instead of groping in the dark and talk about this wide subject tangentially, let me narrow down the scope of this piece as to how while rearing our children we are not able to tap into the talent pool available. The scope of this piece is definitely not aimed at how to tap the best gene-pool available or improving human species through eugenics, selective breeding etc. That is not my area of interest or expertise at all. Let us leave that to the Hitlers of our time. It is "How to get the most bang out of your buck (if that is what you would like to call it) and how not to get dejected even if the buck does not bang."

I have seen many parents (myself included) scolding their children and always comparing them with the kid down the lane "Hey see how good that boy is at studies, sports......." without realizing the potential that your kid has dormant or may be u have been comparing apples with oranges just because you like apples. You may be actually harming the prospects of your kid in a naive attempt at honing it. Please don't do  it.

On the other end of the spectrum there are parents that would shield their wards even if they did something wrong, unconsciously approving their behavior and distorting their personalities, always trying to find fault with the other kid. (I can excuse myself from this club with a clean heart).

Another aspect of human psychology that might be triggering this behavior is that we very quickly forget the good things that life has offered us but always consciously/unconsciously live with the painful memories. (Now protagonists of hedonism don't jump on me and start justifying their indulgence in sensual pleasures). If your kid has been good at something, chances are you will forget about it at the earliest opportunity, but rather you will remember the pain a particular failure of his will have given you. Failures are a way of life. Rather than get dejected we need to teach our kids (and ourselves included,not that I am good at it) to work despite it and not in it.

There is an old Chinese saying as per which "if you don't have a reason to spank your child, you should invent one." May be it has been said in just an allegorical sense where I stand to quote it out of context. But if it is supposed to mean what it says literally, then it represents a distorted comprehension of things. Parents may have used it as a disciplinary tool down the ages to induce a sense of discipline in their children. Nothing wrong in being disciplined, I can understand that unrestrained freedom brings about chaos and utter lack of respect for elders especially when no internal sense of differentiating between right and wrong has been ingrained in the subject. But using this preemptive strategy seems to stem out of fear and insecurity rather than love and caring.

Rather we should talk to our children as frequently and as widely as possible, have a two way dialogue with them instead of imposing our views on them. Yes equip them with "basic survival kit" before letting them free to roam the world on their own terms but don't  micro manage them. You won't be around to baby sit them always and anyway they won't be babies always. They will outgrow the mold one day and break it. As someone has said "It is a tragedy that so many people die with so much of music left in them." So let the music in them play out to its hilt. Don't be a hindrance to it.

The first thing towards that goal is not to have any expectations from your kid. Now this may have come across as a tough one. Every parent wishes his ward to score high on the tests,excel in sports, be a good athlete and all that forgetting that all of us are constrained by our limitations. I am not saying that we should not try to encourage our kids to develop along those lines but there has to be a touch of positive reinforcement about it where they know that if they falter they are backed by someone who won't let them fall rather than basing this endeavor on negative reinforcement criticizing everything that the kid does who ends up developing a very low self esteem because of this.

Developing different talents in a child also has some cultural underpinnings to it, depending on the financial, social, religious and a host of other reasons. Development of different talents is encouraged in different societies. Some societies place a premium on getting their wards well educated as that may be their only door towards freedom. Thus they invest highly on this one area at the cost of others which may be lying dormant in the child but never got a chance to vent out. Then there are other societies where financial insecurity may not be such an issue so that the child gets more wiggle room to experiment what he is best at, thus increasing his chances of success. Wish every child had an equal shot at success though we are not living in a Utopian world.

Children start out as clean slates but undergo a lot of indoctrination/conditioning be it because of imparting colored information we tout as education or making them follow the same path as we did. There is a fear inherent in all the parents that his child not evolve into a rebel challenging everything that he stood for. While it is a very noble thought to say "We should not color our kids' minds" nevertheless we do it all the time. May be sometimes it is not even wrong.

A child growing in an Indian family speaking a particular language develops a taste for a particular type of food, clothes, events and starts developing his own world view whereas a child growing in an American family will have all of these sources/definitions drawn from an entirely different lexicon. Their definition of two same words will never be the same even though the words will be same in essence. I sincerely don't think there should be any problem with it as long as the meaning is not lost in translation. It is here where the problem rears its head. Everything gets lost in translation or let us say we have not been able to find an efficient translator till date. We need to learn to live in harmony with each other respecting each others way of life without imposing our view on others. In fact we should not even have to learn it, it should be a natural instinct to accept the diverse things instead of looking at them as a threat to our existence.

We start rewarding a child for doing a job up to our expectations the same way we teach tricks to pets. And soon he develops a mindset of executing a job not because it mandates merit but because it gets him a fat reward. Now pursuing those endeavors that get you a reward may not be practically bad at all but isn't that where we sow the seed of greed if that is not gross exaggeration. Doesn't that run contrary to the Hindu concept of "Niskaam Karm" or the saying "The fruit of a deed well done lies in the deed itself".

To sum it up what we can practically do as parents is to try to minimize the Dos and Don'ts that we impose on our children, try not to micro manage their lives,try not to live vicariously through them, let them lead their lives fully on their own terms, face their miseries as well as indulge in their pleasures, see the world through their own eyes, embrace it with their own arms. Let them be themselves.